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Jul 13th, 2012 10:46 AM #1
When I wrote this up I was recently divorced and had just met someone I had high hopes for. Of course it was too soon (look out for the rebound ) and all of this was pretty much worthless for that situation from the start. I do think it has some merits though for future considerations and I wanted to put it out there for people to critique. Please forgive the writing style as it was originally directed towards an individual.
Above all else the ability for a couple to communicate with total openness is the key. Using honest open communication can raise a couple above so many situations and attitudes. Emotions are strong when people are in love and fear can make people do stupid things. Its important to trust each other and using the idea of open communication will build on that trust until it is a solid foundation to build the years on.
Things that could destroy a relationship quickly.
Blatant lies and cover ups:
Open and honest communication is a major key to a healthy relationship. Lies will come out eventually and are a death sentence to a loving relationship. Obviously some things may be perceived as lies that are not. Its important not to jump to conclusions. Being open and willing to talk and share experiences, feelings, and struggles is the key to preventing this from happening. Fear is the enemy fear of disappointing the partner. Be honest no matter what its about even one of the big relationship destroyers.
Hurting the children in some way:
It would not be possible for most people to stay in a relationship where the other person was putting kids at risk. This can be somewhat hard to define but some cases are obvious. I speak of major issues like abuse and neglect and not so much about things like bed times and if the kids drink a sugar soda at bed time ect. Kids are our lives at this point and we must do what is necessary to care for them above all else.
Emotional and physical fidelity is important to any real relationship. If its not then a committed relationship may not be in the cards. Its important to be willing to take steps to insure the partner is comfortable and secure when the other is away or in situations that make one of the partners uncomfortable. Talk about what scares you rather then hide it. If a caring person knows the other is worried they should take the necessary steps to make them feel secure and loved.
Actions meant to hurt:
If something is done with the intent to hurt a partner or one of the children physically or emotionally it is a sign of cruelty and that cannot be tolerated. Each partner must examine why they would take such an action before the action is taken. If you truly care for someone you would not do something to purposely hurt them.
All of these things could mean an instant end to a relationship. On the other hand all of these things possibly could be forgiven if the offending partner owns up to their mistake and works with the other to make sure it never happens again. A second offense is much harder to recover from and a third would probably be the end regardless of other circumstances.
Things that damage the long term health of a relationship
These things cause slow damage which over time can lead to one of the major ones above or may just cause a complete collapse of the relationship.
Truly partners must care for one another or it will eat away at the relationship until there is nothing to stay for. Again talking and openness in the face of fear and apathy is the key to working through this. Its also possible that the love cools to the point where its truly over between two people. If that does happen it must be discovered as quickly as possible so that they can go on with their lives or agree on a way to try and heal the wounded relationship. In other situations we must be discover what the problem is and have the difficult discussion about how to handle it with openness and honesty. It is difficult but not impossible for two people committed to the well being of each other over there own emotions to work this kind of a problem out.
One way two people grow apart is not doing things together. I have seen other relationships where a date nights and a shared vacation or 3 every year helped to keep things going. Not all things there should be some thingís two people do apart but there must be things partners do together. It cant just be sex, house work/maintenance, or kid stuff. I must be some adult time and again it must involve the spirit of openness so that it is something that both people enjoy. Sometimes there will be things that each partner is required to participate that they will not like but thatís when its time to suck it up and do it for your partner. This only works if it goes both ways. Otherwise the person who only does what the partner wants will feel used and hurt. Openness about expectations and desires is the key. Communicate and find mostly things that both partners enjoy. Tolerate those things your partner loves so much that they want to do them with the one they care about. Making them happy is worth it.
People all have habits and quirks that annoy others. Its important to both accept you partners quirks and the fact that your quirks may annoy your partner. Knowing this means things can be worked out. Knowing is 90% of the battle. If something annoys you find a nice way to tell the person. That person needs to not take it personal and the two people need to work out a way that helps them both be tolerant of these often minor and sometimes irritating issues.
There will always be other things that can hurt a relationship among them money problems or work difficulties. If there is a problem of some sort it needs to be worked on as soon as possible. Forgiveness is important not only for the offender but the offended. Feeling like you are still in the bad graces of your partner can cause many of the other issues described above. Work it out and keep working it until its fixed. Openness and communication is always the key. If you cant talk to the person you truly love who can you talk to?
Now that I am safely completely single again This information can be examined for its true merits and not as a hidden agenda for something completely unreasonable.Be Impeccable with Your Word
Don't Take Anything Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best
Jul 15th, 2012 7:09 PM #2
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
- Gouda, the Netherlands
I'd like to add a note: if you get to do with everything on the list, from a single person again and again, you might be dealing with a psychopath. Don't make that verdict lightly, though. It's a severe disorder and needs very careful consideration.
Jul 18th, 2012 11:17 AM #3
Jul 18th, 2012 1:56 PM #4
- Join Date
- Oct 2006
- 64th latitude north....Where global warming is a plus
Having just married after 4 years of living together, I can say it takes that long to really know someone. I have tried to avoid the pitfalls of my first marriage, and have focused on respect as No.1 on my list. This above all keeps you on track.
when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature
Jul 18th, 2012 4:58 PM #5
I think confusion might have meant sociopath... which is still a bad thing...
And Im not sure but it seems like you forgot to mention sex life... Since the beginning of life, reproduction has been THE purpose of males and females coming together at all...
I read somewhere that if the sex is good, then it is only 10% of the relationship focus, but if its bad its 90%... meaning it alone can make or break it.I aggressively attack stupidity... If you feel I am being aggressive, well....
Aug 25th, 2012 4:59 AM #6
- Join Date
- Jun 2012
- United States
Nobody's perfect that is why in every relationship you will be challenge a couple of times. Same as you cannot be happy all the time and in order to add some spice in your relationship it is better to discover your partner's behavior so you will know then how to adjust whenever things do not go well with your expectation.
BookGator.com ~ search for the right books that suits you ~
Sep 17th, 2012 1:31 PM #7
- Join Date
- Feb 2011
- next to a volcano near a subduction zone fault line by the ocean.
Here are some helpful tips:
1. You can NEVER, EVER, win a fight with your wife, girlfriend, or mother.
2. Give in on all the small stuff.
3. Most everything is small stuff, so pick 3 things you love, give in on the rest.
4. Women HATE honesty almost as much as they hate liars. Yes dear, you DO have a big fat ass...may be honest, but you'll be sleeping in the garage. Unleash your inner politican. Say I think you have cute little butt and then start grabbing body parts...you weren't truthful but you were honest.
5. Yesterday is gone, leave it there. When she brings it up (and she will) remind her that today is the day that you have become just exactly perfect in every way. That'll get her to change the subject to something she cares less about.
6. Find the look. ASAP! The look that indicates that "NOTHING is funny today!" Keep your mouth shut for 24-48 hrs and check the bathroom wastebasket. You will find the safety indicator there.
Good luck."Jake 99 is Lord!"
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