The Guardian
Dog – the star of Text From Dog – takes time out from annoying his owner to give his thoughts on technology ... and bacon

What's your favourite piece of technology, and how has it improved your life?
I have a rubber hamburger that squeaks. It's pretty awesome but I suppose it doesn't count as "technology". I have a mobile phone, and I learned to text on it. It hasn't really improved my life. Maybe if I was a human I'd say "My phone is AMAZING. I couldn't LIVE without it." Luckily I'm a dog. Humans are idiots.

When was the last time you used it, and what for?
Two minutes ago. I sent a text to the guy who "looks after me". It said "Buy me biscuits". I sent it 29 times so he doesn't forget. Now he's swearing at me. This is the kind of stuff I have to put up with.

What additional features would you add if you could?
A built-in grappling hook and night vision camera. Also, a hologram function that creates a decoy version of me. So I can sneak up on my enemies.

Do you think it will be obsolete in 10 years' time?
I just had to Google "obsolete". That was WAY too much effort. Please don't try to dazzle me with your sexy fancy words. To answer your question: I am a bulldog. On average, bulldogs live for 10-12 years. I've already done eight. My phone WILL be obsolete because before I die I will wee on it then bury it.

What always frustrates you about technology in general?
It's not built for paws. Also, most of it tastes awful. I want more bacon flavour technology. iPads that smell like sausages. Write that down.

Is there any particular piece of technology that you have owned and hated?
I found a battery in the bin once. Whenever I licked it, it gave my tongue an electric shock. But I COULDN'T STOP LICKING IT. I hated that battery, but at the same time, I loved it. Now I feel like I want to cry. Thanks for bringing that up.

If you had one tip about getting the best out of new technology, what would it be?
Bite it, then shake it.

complete interview ~